July 11th, 2007 by Blythe
It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who thinks Yoda was speaking German in translation.
The following link is especially for anyone who has ever tried to learn German. You should not go there if you are offended by salty language or sentences like this:
It is important to note zat zere is only one korrekt vay to phrase a sentence.
Uncyclopeida entry on German grammar (via Gin and Teutonic)
Am I the last person on the internet to discover Uncyclopedia? Because I think it’s my new favorite site.
July 10th, 2007 by Blythe
Last week I met my hospital roommate for lunch. She is Scottish and had just given birth to her third child when I moved into the bed across from hers in the maternity ward after Theo was born. I was so grateful to be rooming with an English-speaker that I almost wept when I met her. She cheered me on and said nice things about Theo and was an all-around pleasure to be around, which was a good thing because with all the breast pumping and follow-up exams and nurses kindly asking about our bowel movements in a game attempt at German/English, we are now more intimately acquainted in some areas than I am with my family members (thank heaven).
I was worried that I might not recognize her, since it’s been six months and many pounds ago for both of us, but we had no problems, possibly because once you have a baby you can practically track the scent of other children the same age as your child. Since her son is just two days older than Theo, we homed in immediately. The four of us had a delightful time discussing scintillating topics like naps and those tiny fingernail clippers and what’s grosser: strained carrots or pureed peas. I came away realizing how totally clueless I really am about babies and what to expect from them. I’ve read a bunch of books and websites but there’s nothing like a real live mom to remind me that sometimes walking around and around and around the block with the stroller is just what you have to do to get the baby to nap, so stop worrying about it. Her baby was in the middle of teething, in fact, so she gave me a bunch of friendly tips and I thanked her and filed them away for the day, far far in the future, when Theo might cut a tooth, because I kept feeling his gums and there were no bumps or lumps or white spots, but thanks very much anyway. <—FORESHADOWING
Theo has been screechier than usual lately. He doesn’t cry so much as let out high-pitched screams periodically. I came up with a thousand theories – He’s a prodigy and trying to talk already! He has a hair wrapped around his toe! He is starving! Jeff said, “I think we just got a loud one.” And then we sat around listening to the screeches while plunging further into denial about our upcoming transAtlantic flight and how the screeching might be handled at that time.
I’m sure you know exactly what happened this morning. Theo, who must have been bemoaning, once again, the idiocy of his parents, finally grabbed my finger, shoved it into his mouth, and all but said, “HERE IS MY TOOTH. WOULDN’T YOU SCREAM TOO?” And sure enough, I practically sliced my index finger open on that sharp little chomper. So, the good news is that we know why he’s screeching now. The bad news (especially for others on our plane, you might want to avoid flying Lufthansa for the next few weeks) is that it hasn’t stopped yet. And the even worse news (for Theo) is that this probably isn’t the last time I will mis-read his cues. But by the time he’s in junior high, he will probably be used to it and will just roll his eyes when I ask him to kiss me on the lips before I drop him off for school.
July 6th, 2007 by Blythe
Through some cruel twist of fate (fate being related to Rupert Murdoch), we receive the American Fox News channel via our British satellite television. And right now, as I type on my laptop in our living room, I am watching an unidentified woman driving down a deserted Los Angeles freeway, below the speed limit, without so much as changing lanes. And three men are grasping at straws for play-by-play commentary. I’m quite sure they realize she isn’t O.J., and yet they’re still talking. One of them just said, “Is there a reason they didn’t jump in there and finish her off? Maybe she is mentally unstable.”
I think they might be talking about me. Because I’ve been watching for twenty minutes can’t seem to turn the channel.
(The announcer just said that I-5 is straight and boring and people tend to nod off while driving on it. Did it occur to them how boring it might be to WATCH someone drive on I-5?)
July 3rd, 2007 by Blythe
.flickr-photo { }.flickr-frame { float: left; text-align: center; margin-right: 15px; margin-bottom: 15px; }.flickr-caption { font-size: 0.8em; margin-top: 0px; }
As we approach the most American holidays (Sorry, Pilgrim, Thanksgiving is #2), I have the urge to bake chocolate chip cookies. And if the weather stays cool, I’ll probably give in and whip up a batch. But lately I’ve concluded that (GASP) America really isn’t the cookie capitol of the world. Sure, we have the Toll House, but we just can’t compete with the Europeans. They’ve allowed us our pride as we parade around saying Cookies! We are the only place in the world to find decent Cookies! as we gnaw on stale Chips Ahoy. And then they slyly break out the packet of biscuits and brew a cup of tea.
Besides the health care system, I will one day be very sorry to also say goodbye to the biscuit section of my local German supermarket, and the biscuits I’ve collected on my travels through Europe. Some people buy postcards and t-shirts, I make a trip through Tesco and cram tubes of milk chocolate digestives into my shopping bag in London, and make one last stop before crossing the Italian border to pick up some Grancereale. And when I discovered the Karamellgeback, I decided I’d better start paying closer attention in German class because I might decide to stay a while.
I’m so sorry I can’t have a nice cup of tea and a sit down with each of you to share my discoveries. But next time you’re looking for a way to feel at home in a place where it seems like you don’t belong, I highly recommend a visit to the biscuit aisle at the nearest grocery store. Let me know what you find.
July 2nd, 2007 by Blythe
If I were still working in an actual office with real live coworkers, be assured that I would force ALL of them to participate in this awesome video lip-synch project. But we wouldn’t use hip songs by edgy bands. We would undoubtedly rock out to a Journey classic. Or possibly something by Def Leppard. Or Boston (More than a Feeling, anyone?).
Former coworkers, here’s one more reason to thank your lucky stars I quit my job.
